Not-so-merry-go-round

I dunno know which one it is. On one hand, I’d like to sulk to the skin of my teeth, go invisible, give the world the finger and simply file everything under ‘Shit.’ On the other hand, I’d like to put on a victor's face, paint a yehey smile that would make my cheeks burst and just throw confetti at anybody who would come my way.

My Almost Boyfriend broke up with his beau. I'm mixed up with my own reaction. I never had a closure with Almost Boyfriend, and the last time that we chat up was when we were both stashed up with alcohol putting up a tally of our what-if’s and should-have-been’s. Words flew on midair amidst a sea of dancing strangers, they were drowned in the medley of prying conversations and din of loud music. “What happened to us?” “We almost had it…” and “We don’t have a choice, we are now part of each other’s lives…”

Words, words, words.

Though all the romantic babble was ‘under the influence,’ we never doubted each one’s contention for we both believed that it is when one is drunk that feelings and words navigate at its most unadulterated. The spirit brought the integrity of our convictions…and regrets. He was committed, and I was loving my freedon. We've decided to be special to each other. Nothing more.

Then last Saturday at the gym, the beau approached me and heralded the news. “We broke up yesterday…I was tryin’ to save it, but…” I was never close to him, and it’s an understatement that methinks he abhors me. I can only give the same. But at that instance, it was different and it was difficult. It takes courage and a lot of resolve to swallow the bitter pill and display vulnerability to a known ‘enemy.’ Especially to a known ‘enemy.’ But there he was torn to smithereens putting his battered cards on the table. “…but he has fallen out of love and there’s another guy…”

The usual me would offer Ben Gay to his wounds, probably even unleash a tapestry of sarcastic innuendos, but no, I kept my silence and listened. I was not myself, I sympathized.

I’m a walking oxymoron—I know how it feels, yet I don’t know what to feel.